I'm updating via Andrew's cool new email entry option. I'm still driving, although I actually followed through with that idle threat to quit the long distance stuff. I stay closer to home now, and although I still only get to go home on weekends, I like it so much better. So since most people I deal with either are so wrapped up in themselves, buisness or doing better than others, this is all I have to talk to really. I get told that I'm weird and get those strange looks all the time. I guess maybe I anaylize things too much, I dunno. Sometimes I think I'm as crazy as a bedbug. (Why would a bedbug be crazy I wonder? See what I mean?) Life goes on I suppose. I keep shutting myself off from the world, and making my circle smaller and smaller. Is that a bad thing I wonder? I get angry far too easily these days, over simple things. I need to stop that.

I discovered something about myself recently completely by mistake. I'm afraid to allow myself to be happy. Amazing, huh? Its true though. Since childhood I've been afraid of happiness. Now I know why. Its because everytime that I allowed or slipped up and let myself be happy, something horrible happened. So if I'm not happy, perhaps I can prevent those things from happening. Yeah, I know, that's obnoxious. Still, that would be my outlook, now wouldn't it. Some great power at be punnishing me for the horrible things I've done, therefore, self medicating myself with depression. As long as I am hurting, I might possibly prevent someone else from hurting. Amazing stupidity, or ingenious thinking? You decide. One halfway decent thing to mention, I've started an exercize regimen. So far I'm sticking to it. I make myself get up two hours early to walk. Hey, its a start! I walk 2.25 miles most days. There is a loop here at the industrial park where my customer is, and its .75 miles around it. I'm still loosing weight, but now its time to start replacing muscle mass. Hopefully it will tighten this ugly loose skin up as well. It hangs off me like, well I don't know, nasty. In case anybody is keeping up with the score here, I've lost a total of 302 pounds so far. Sixteen sizes smaller in jeans. I want to loose another 75 to 100, but my surgeon is against it. (Shrug) I'm his miracle patient, and the before and after photos are used in his office. Once I get my legs in a little better shape, muscularly speaking, I will start running again. I miss running. For now my knee and leg doctor says no way. Posh! This is the same guy that told me I would never walk again.

I wish I could get my act together.