index
archives
profile
cast
links
notes
email
dland

Rain

(2006-09-12 - 17:59)

It's funny and strange both how people percieve the rain. Some see it as a complete inconvience to them and nothing else. To others it seems to depress them, "Oh, it's such a dreary day out today.". Yet, to another it is a good thing, a welcomed thing. Not just at a time of drought, but happy that it rains at any time.

I fall into the latter catagory, as I love the rain. I love the way it feels on my skin and my face. I love how it sounds hitting the roof of the house or my truck, so rythmic, melodic, peaceful. I love the way everything smells after a rain shower, so clean, fresh and anew, like the air is bursting with promise.

When I was little a lot of really bad things happened to me. To cope with all the abuse, I developed many defense mechenisms to deal with my surreal surroundings. One of these mechanisms dealt with the rain.

Rare was a time that anyone gave me anything, and if I had anything, I had earned them. I learned early on that just because you possesd something didn't neccessarily mean you were going to keep it. People have taken things from me my entire life. Even if they gave it to me, they would end up taking it back. For a very long time I settled that I just wouldn't ever have anything but what people let me hold for awhile. That worked for awhile, but a nine year old wants his own stuff. I would lay in my bed and wonder how I could ever have my own anything? Sometimes it would be raining outside, and I could hear the pitter-patter of the drops on the roof. I would listen to it drip off and into puddles right outside the window. One rainy night I turned over towards my mother's bed to ask her if she liked the rain, but she was asleep. I look into my brother's bed and he was sound asleep as well. I realized I was all alone. Then it dawned on me that I was the only one that could hear the rain. After just a few minutes a smile slowly took over my face and a peaceful feeling set in my heart. I had finally found something that was mine and no one, not a single person could ever take from me. The rain! I propped my arms behind my head and back against my pillow and listened to the rain as it gently hit the window panes. The gurgle of rainwater collecting in the eaves was more lullabye than I could stand, and with the smile still on my face I drifted off to the best sleep I had ever had in my nine years.

That childhood mechinism has never left me. I still, to this day, use it. When I was in the Marine Corps, in a five mile forced jungle march, it was hot, sticky, and the entire platoon was miserable. There were mosquitoes ans gnats biting us and Bobby had just pulled a leech off his face. Plus, it was raining. Bobby happened to catch a glimpse of me as we walked past a ray of sunlight peircing the thick canopy of trees. "What the hell Tim? You're in full combat dress, alice pack and rifle, wearing a poncho in tropical weather gettin' eat alive by bugs and shit and you've got a freaking Gomer Pyle smile on?", Bobby was saying with a vile tone, as if he had just tasted something awful. I just smiled a little bigger and nodded, "Yep, I like the rain." I didn't mention why, I doubt they would have understood. It helped me get through many a march though.

I'm not trying to become the self help section of the Diaryland bookstore, but, if you've been abused, then you probably already understand just what I'm saying. Find something they can't take from you, no matter what they've already taken.

Goodnight Diaryland, and, of course, to my Mermaid.
XOXOX

<< starboard ~ port >>