It�s been ages since I updated here or anywhere for that matter. I am a bit more active in the forums of late, but nothing like times past where I was a posting demon. It helps that I finally ditched that stupid satellite; aka Direcway. It was cool when it worked, but my view of the southern sky is partially blocked by pine trees. Each and every time it clouded up, much less started raining, I completely lost a signal and would have to revert to dialup. There are times I wish I had never been exposed to high speed internet, because I could be so happy in my ignorance. Not now, I am far too spoiled. Cable has found its way into my computer; therefore all is better in danger-land now, insofar as connectivity is concerned. In other matters, things are about the same. I continue to stay out for weeks at a time, and seemingly it should help my financial situation. It never seems to fail that I need �X� amount more than I made that week. That�s getting old, really, really old. The Queen Mum is basically raising my daughters whilst I keep their Mom out working with me. That saddens me to no end. We worked really hard to keep certain habits away from the older child, such as sugar intake and other diet compulsiveness. I am afraid in our absence the younger daughter will fall victim to bad eating habits and become overweight. I lived my entire life with the jaunting of peers echoing in my ears, I cringe thinking my own child will endure the same. With my oldest I was sure to say things like, �I would like for you to try at least one bite of (insert new food name here), but if you really don�t like it, you don�t have to eat it.� I have never told her that she had to clean her plate. I was always told to do that, and about starving children in the third world countries. I have no doubt that these are some of the things that led to my obesity. I know, I am probably fixating on this, but, I am one of those people that worry about everything. It�s a bad fault that has been brought to my attention. In my mind I am just caring about those around me, while apparently they see this as obsessive-compulsive behavior that tends to make them see me as something I am not. Apparently it makes me seem clingy and needy. I�ve been told that I fixate on other�s problems in order to avoid my own. That last one would almost be right if the concern were not genuine. I cannot help it that I am a very emotional person. Events and people in my life have carved out what I am today. Had even a single element of that history have been changed, I would not be who I am today. I could have been a man of the cloth, or a serial mass murderer, or both.

During this period of aloneness while working long hours, I have slowly gravitated towards oneness again. I am not sure if I could, or for that matter wanted to, stop this from happening. Maybe I am just reevaluating myself, considering changes to my system of survival. So much is happening around me that I attempt to detach myself from it. It�s an easy task once you�ve achieved oneness. My life is a mess, therefore I shall hide from it. I do not like who I am, whom I have been, nor what I am becoming

I would like to say I am sorry, but I cannot help that the skies are gray.

Is it possible to be held sometimes without seeming clingy? Does that make me less a man? Why does it seem so?